60 Reasons: The Conference
To all members of the Eclectic Foundation: Important news!
When last we spoke I was Slumming it on a municipal tip in Manchester in an effort to avoid being deaded by the two angry Hell’s Angels. In the intervening weeks Tattooed Teresa and I have kissed and made up. I have sold my house and paid off the bikers with the proceeds, so now I am free to resume my scam cause.
My time as a dropout wasn’t entirely wasted. It’s amazing the people you encounter amongst the dustbins and discarded needles, and fate must have been hard at work because I came across an obscure subculture that coincidentally have their own ‘60 Reasons’ cause. Well we got talking, we bonded, we threw a few ideas around the brazier and decided to hold a 60 Reasons Conference! I hope you are as excited by the prospect as I am? This will give us the opportunity to regroup and reaffirm our commitment to the cause. Meeting members of the other 60 Reasons group will allow us to make new friends and allies and allow me to make more money. Details of the Conference are as follows:
Date: June 30th 2009
Time: 9.00 am to 6.00pm (or your curfew time – whichever comes first)
Venue: Obscure Conferences of Darlington (OCD for short) 69, Nutter’s Place, Darlington.
Security Arrangements: The other 60 Reasons group seem to be very nervous and obsessed with ’spies’ getting into the conference and disrupting events so they have nominated one of their members to screen and filter attendees. Therefore, all attendees will be required to complete the following tests before being allowed entrance:
a) A short IQ test – anyone found to have an IQ above 12 will be asked to leave
b) A short lie detector test – anyone found unable to lie at the drop of a hat will be asked to leave
c) A short MRI scan (where apparently attendees are asked to view a series of images and the operator makes note of which areas of your brain react) – anyone who fails to have their ‘pleasure centers’ lit up by images of goats will be asked to leave.
Itinerary and Events:
9.00 am: Welcome speech and distribution of meds by Nurse.
10.00 am: Keela lookalike competition in the Canine Suite (only bitches need apply)
10.20 am: Face painting in the Janus Suite (please note there will be an extra charge for any two-faced attendees)
10.30 am: Curley Mispell will be holding a Spelling Bee in the Carol Vorderman Suite (due to the requirements of the IQ entrance test we are limiting the competition to two letter words.)
10.45 am: Powlow Grease will be giving a talk entitled ’Cats and Mice: Their Role in International Espionage’ in the Tom & Gerry Suite
11.00 am – infinity: Tiny Bonnett will be giving a talk entitled ‘Leaflet Writing For Dummies’ in the Gaia Suite (attendees are asked to at least try and seem interested. Anyone found snoring will be made to stay for the whole talk.)
12.00 pm: Any lady attendees not involved in making tea and coffee are invited into the Blue Peter Suite where a mock up bus shelter has been erected by some strong man so that the ladies can practice attaching leaflets to it. The bus shelter is quite authentic with posters of Max Boyce, Bonnie Tyler, foul graffiti and a pool of vomit by the exit. Black leggings will be provided for authenticity.
1.00 pm: Break for more meds and lunch, Nurse will be available to loosen straps on straightjackets if you behave yourselves.
2.00 pm: There will be a tour to see Mr Duart Diddy Diddy Dum Diddy Do who is occupying the entire Lilliput Suite by himself. And when I say entire room – I mean he takes up so much of the room that we have had to pump extra oxygen in there. Attendees will be able to ask him questions through a specially cut opening in the door but will have to shout as the chandeliers keep getting in his ears. He was going to give a talk called ‘Duart exposed’ after recent revelations, but during rehearsals two cleaners died of shock when he took his talk too literally; we couldn’t risk more attention from the authorities.
2.30.pm: Sock Puppets Competition in the Walter Mitty Suite – This is a chance to show off all those sock Puppets you made during your therapy sessions. Each sock puppet will receive 100 Nectar points. The Sock Pocket deemed to be the most creative will win 500 Nectar points. Entries are limited to 200 sock puppets per person. Anyone who can correctly name all of their sock puppets will win a free goat.
3.00 pm: There will be an exhibition by Goats-R-Us in the Peccadillo Suite. Here you’ll find any and every accessory for your favourite goat! This company is the Rolls Royce of goat gear so make sure you bring your credit card and your measurements. Discounts are available for bulk orders, but, sorry, nectar points are not part of this promotion. If you do choose to bring your goat a £500 refundable security deposit is required at the door in case of damage caused by your cloven footed friend.
4.00 pm: All the lady attendees are asked to stop making tea and coffee and are invited to the Tango Suite where Tattooed Teresa will be giving a seminar on Beauty for the More Mature Woman. Ladies will be able to get free make overs from Teresa’s friends and a free tanning session from a mobile sunbed company called ‘You’ve Bin Tangoed’ If you have always wanted that Des O’Connor or David Dickinson look – here’s your chance! (please note; all ladies are required to sign a waiver before this seminar)
5.00pm: There will be an audience participation presentation on ‘How To Spot A Liar’. Attendees are asked to go the Hall of Mirrors Suite.
6.00pm: Closing speeches. Rounding up of goats. Washing up for the ladies.
Nurse will undo straightjackets and hand out bonus pills as attendees leave.
Tickets are priced at £500 per attendee + VAT (price includes free 60 Reasons leaflet)
Transport to venue: Many of our ladies are quite willing to pick up strange men from airports/train stations/ bus stations/petrol stations.
I think you’ll agree this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and not to be missed!
I accept Paypal and cheques
Places are offered on a first come, first serve basis.
June 21, 2009 at 8:53 pm
With a line up like that, anyone would be mad to miss this. I am particularly looking forward to the talk by
Jabba The HutDuart.Put me down for a ticket. I’ll deposit the sum of £100,000 in your paypal account and I wish you to send it to my brother in Nigeria….if you could also refund me the change I would be grateful.
PS) I think I am onto a winner in the sock puppet contest. I have a great one I made here out of a pair of pink spotty nylon socks. It has eyes on and everything. I made it in my ’special time’ at the centre.
June 21, 2009 at 9:00 pm
I know your brother in Nigeria – I’ll gladly take payment from his Roayl Highness
Thank you for you support and I’ll make sure you win the sock puppet comp
June 21, 2009 at 9:52 pm
OK, you just made me fall off my chair again!!
June 21, 2009 at 9:59 pm
I’m glad it made you smile
June 21, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Can you put me down for the ’Cats and Mice: Their Role in International Espionage’. l love a good story about vermin. PMSL
June 22, 2009 at 9:29 pm
PMSL Maria
June 21, 2009 at 11:39 pm
This is the chance ‘our Tone’ has been waiting for, to make a further idiot of himself. But I should imagine you would have to have special permission for him to be let out without his minder.
June 22, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Ha ha ha…….Brilliant…….
Ohhh…..Can I be chief Filtererer please Katie….pretty please?
June 22, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Cat
If you promise not to get power crazy then the job is yours 
June 23, 2009 at 11:44 am
I promise.(fingers crossed behind back)………….
June 23, 2009 at 5:19 pm
CAST
Cheshire Cat Tiny Bonnett
Alice Bonnie Tyler or Katie or me or anybody….
ACT 1 SCENE 1
Alice: ” But I don´t want to go amongst mad people!”
Cheshire Cat – grinning -: “But you must do. We are all mad. You´re mad. I am mad.”
Alice: “How do you know I am mad?”
Cheshire Cat: “You must be – to want to come here……”!!!
THE END
PS Katie you have surpassed yourself. I have sent your script off to Bollywood Movies.
June 23, 2009 at 6:40 pm
This was priceless Kate – well said. I’m sure clawsie, vile and Val would be top contenders for the Keala look-alike bitch contest.
PMSL!
June 23, 2009 at 7:34 pm
The Keela look-alike competition is heavily oversubscribed Calcite
We are going to have to split it into rounds and then have a knockout competition 
Pedigrum Chum are so impressed with the entries that they have decided to use the winner in their new global advertising competition.
June 23, 2009 at 10:20 pm
If you had any human “decency” you wouldnt be “making FUN” of mister Bennett and the three “arguidos”. The portugese judiciar couldn’t solve the case so we are doing “IMPORTANT INVESTIGATIONS” behind the scenes where we “anbalyse the evidence” looking for CLUES.
When we solve this “case” we will be on SKY NEWS being interviewed on “telly” and you will be jealous because you didn’t solve it but when arrests are made and there is a trial in a COURT OF LAW OF THIS LAND you will realise the important and hard work which we have done. When this case is solved it will be thanks to the “hard work” of mr bennett and bren and the others and me.
happygirl24
June 25, 2009 at 6:29 pm
I’m so “glad” you understand “satire” “happyGIRL”
I have written about your ‘Investigation TEAM” before. I know that you have two excellent members looking for CLUES: Keela Doo and Eddie Doo – Cousins of Scooby Doo
I don’t know who this ‘MIster BEnnetT’ is – did Shaggy change his name?
I look forward to seeing you on “Telly”, but I think you “MisSPELT” “Sky News” – it’s actually spelt “C-R-I-M-E-W-A-T-C-H and why would I be “jealous” of you being on their “Most WANTed: Finally behind “bars” episode?
The only “COURT” you lot will be seeing is the “TENis COURT” in the prison “Exorcise” yard
June 25, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Are badgers permitted to enter the dog lookalike competition katie? (Is the feminine term for badger a bitch?)
June 25, 2009 at 2:05 pm
I will have to consult with the judges B.x but I think allowing a badger would cause a bit of baiting and unnecessary added friction. As it is, the Keela look-alikes have turned out to be so vicious that we’ve had to insist on all competitors wearing muzzles throughout the day!
A female badger is normally called a sow, but there is one recorded incident of a female badger being found to be a bitch which was caught on film, I believe.
June 25, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Think we’ll muzzle ALL entrants and owners at the door……
June 25, 2009 at 8:13 pm
PMSL Cat
That’s put a whole new series of disturbing images in my head 
June 25, 2009 at 8:22 pm
I’m still choking on the “Human Decency” bit…….still mustn’t mock the afflicted……………..
June 26, 2009 at 1:31 am
Ahh, so now it is all explained.
Bennett and 3A’s persecute innocent people in the name of human decency. They look for clues through a variety of different methods such as doctoring photos, writing untruthful leaflets, making up ridiculous and often perverted theories and others not worth mentioning because the PJ forgot to do this during their investigation.
And then there is the kicker. When they ’solve’ the case, they will be on Skynews and we will all be jealous. It is obviously a contest and no one told us.
And here I was thinking it was all about justice for Madeleine.
June 26, 2009 at 5:14 am
“Satire” isnt “difficult” to understand and if anybody tells you i’m stupid dont listen to them because I know what your “game” is. And if you pay attention you will see that people have started “blogging” about me which will be good practice for being in the public eye when we solve the “case”. One thing you dont know is that i went to college so i have QUALIFICATIONS which ias more than a lot of people have and Im used to studying “facts” and writing “reports” and if you knew what you were “talking” about youd know that mister Bennett is QUALIFIED too but you wont admit that because of the jealousy will you.
We are’nt just “people” sitting in the house drinking tea and eating “ASDA noodles” you know. We have lots of people with enough “skills” to solve this “case” and when we do I will be expecting public apologies from you and your “blogging friends” who sat back and laughed while we did all the brain work. Thats why we will be on the “telly” on SKY NEWS
AND YOU WONT.
happygirl24
August 28, 2009 at 10:51 am
Happygirl, me darlin
I have already been on Sky News – well my blog has – AND YOU HAVEN’T 
As for satire being easy: Mr B’s latest attempt at ’shatire’ left his flock dazed and confused. Perhaps you could give him some tips?
June 27, 2009 at 6:39 am
And while I’m in the mood for giving you a “piece of my mind” I’ll ask you this its 7:30am on saturday morning and where are you? Still laying in your bed but where am I? I’ve been to “Asda” to buy “food and things” and Ive had a cup of tea and now im ready to “work on the case” all day because I’M NOT “LAZY”. And if you were more like me then you could go to “college” and get QUALIFICATIONS and lead a busy interesting useful life like me.
And do you “realise” that in the time it took you to write those things at the top of this page about IQ tests and lie detector tests and MRI scans you could have spent that time ENROLLING IN COLLEGE INSTEAD, or going to visit “elderly neigbours” or doing investigation work on a “case” or ORGANISING A CONFERENCE but oh no thats too much like “HARD WORK” so instead you “MAKE FUN” of people on the internet but I’m the one who has been up since dawn and already been to “Asda” and I’m the one who will “achieve things” today.
AND YOU WONT.
happygirl24
August 28, 2009 at 10:41 am
Please, Happygirl, don’t go giving out ‘piece’s of your mind’ as I’m sure you can’t really afford it
What did you achieve on your shift at Asda? Did you win the fastest pricing gun challenge again? Well done you!
July 8, 2009 at 7:01 am
And on my “firewall” it says my computer is being “hacked” and when i checked the IP ADDRESS it belongs to and youd better be sitting down before you “read” this it belongs to “THE CHINESE GOVERMENT” so answer me this what is so “IMPORTANT” aboiut the “mccanns” that the GOVERMENT OF CHINA IS TRYING TO “HALT MY INVESTIGATION”. Now you will see that this is a very “serious business” and theres a lot more to it than “blogging” on your “blog” and making fun of people for having “conferences”. Our work is “VERY IMPORTANT” and that is why GOVERMENTS ARE TRYING TO STOP US.
WE WILL NOT BE STOPPED
WE WILL NOT BE HACKED
YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME MISTER CHINESE HACKER FROM THE CHINESE GOVERMENT MY FIREWALL “STOPPED” YOU
happygirl24
August 28, 2009 at 10:44 am
您需要帮助和快
August 2, 2009 at 6:42 am
Apparently a grand total of SEVEN turned up! So much for representing the majority of British people!
August 2, 2009 at 7:30 am
Really, Nigel? !!!
So one person to represent each deadly sin? How apt.
August 2, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Was Duarte one of the seven? You can guess which deadly sin I think.
August 2, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Not sure, but if he was he would have ate the other six
August 28, 2009 at 10:19 am
Just come across this. Excellent stuff!
August 28, 2009 at 10:30 am
I’m glad you like it Binlid