To all members of the Eclectic Foundation: Important news!
When last we spoke I was Slumming it on a municipal tip in Manchester in an effort to avoid being deaded by the two angry Hell’s Angels. In the intervening weeks Tattooed Teresa and I have kissed and made up. I have sold my house and paid off the bikers with the proceeds, so now I am free to resume my scam cause.
My time as a dropout wasn’t entirely wasted. It’s amazing the people you encounter amongst the dustbins and discarded needles, and fate must have been hard at work because I came across an obscure subculture that coincidentally have their own ‘60 Reasons’ cause. Well we got talking, we bonded, we threw a few ideas around the brazier and decided to hold a 60 Reasons Conference! I hope you are as excited by the prospect as I am? This will give us the opportunity to regroup and reaffirm our commitment to the cause. Meeting members of the other 60 Reasons group will allow us to make new friends and allies and allow me to make more money. Details of the Conference are as follows:
Date: June 30th 2009
Time: 9.00 am to 6.00pm (or your curfew time – whichever comes first)
Venue: Obscure Conferences of Darlington (OCD for short) 69, Nutter’s Place, Darlington.
Security Arrangements: The other 60 Reasons group seem to be very nervous and obsessed with ’spies’ getting into the conference and disrupting events so they have nominated one of their members to screen and filter attendees. Therefore, all attendees will be required to complete the following tests before being allowed entrance:
a) A short IQ test – anyone found to have an IQ above 12 will be asked to leave
b) A short lie detector test – anyone found unable to lie at the drop of a hat will be asked to leave
c) A short MRI scan (where apparently attendees are asked to view a series of images and the operator makes note of which areas of your brain react) – anyone who fails to have their ‘pleasure centers’ lit up by images of goats will be asked to leave.
Itinerary and Events:
9.00 am: Welcome speech and distribution of meds by Nurse.
10.00 am: Keela lookalike competition in the Canine Suite (only bitches need apply)
10.20 am: Face painting in the Janus Suite (please note there will be an extra charge for any two-faced attendees)
10.30 am: Curley Mispell will be holding a Spelling Bee in the Carol Vorderman Suite (due to the requirements of the IQ entrance test we are limiting the competition to two letter words.)
10.45 am: Powlow Grease will be giving a talk entitled ’Cats and Mice: Their Role in International Espionage’ in the Tom & Gerry Suite
11.00 am – infinity: Tiny Bonnett will be giving a talk entitled ‘Leaflet Writing For Dummies’ in the Gaia Suite (attendees are asked to at least try and seem interested. Anyone found snoring will be made to stay for the whole talk.)
12.00 pm: Any lady attendees not involved in making tea and coffee are invited into the Blue Peter Suite where a mock up bus shelter has been erected by some strong man so that the ladies can practice attaching leaflets to it. The bus shelter is quite authentic with posters of Max Boyce, Bonnie Tyler, foul graffiti and a pool of vomit by the exit. Black leggings will be provided for authenticity.
1.00 pm: Break for more meds and lunch, Nurse will be available to loosen straps on straightjackets if you behave yourselves.
2.00 pm: There will be a tour to see Mr Duart Diddy Diddy Dum Diddy Do who is occupying the entire Lilliput Suite by himself. And when I say entire room – I mean he takes up so much of the room that we have had to pump extra oxygen in there. Attendees will be able to ask him questions through a specially cut opening in the door but will have to shout as the chandeliers keep getting in his ears. He was going to give a talk called ‘Duart exposed’ after recent revelations, but during rehearsals two cleaners died of shock when he took his talk too literally; we couldn’t risk more attention from the authorities.
2.30.pm: Sock Puppets Competition in the Walter Mitty Suite – This is a chance to show off all those sock Puppets you made during your therapy sessions. Each sock puppet will receive 100 Nectar points. The Sock Pocket deemed to be the most creative will win 500 Nectar points. Entries are limited to 200 sock puppets per person. Anyone who can correctly name all of their sock puppets will win a free goat.
3.00 pm: There will be an exhibition by Goats-R-Us in the Peccadillo Suite. Here you’ll find any and every accessory for your favourite goat! This company is the Rolls Royce of goat gear so make sure you bring your credit card and your measurements. Discounts are available for bulk orders, but, sorry, nectar points are not part of this promotion. If you do choose to bring your goat a £500 refundable security deposit is required at the door in case of damage caused by your cloven footed friend.
4.00 pm: All the lady attendees are asked to stop making tea and coffee and are invited to the Tango Suite where Tattooed Teresa will be giving a seminar on Beauty for the More Mature Woman. Ladies will be able to get free make overs from Teresa’s friends and a free tanning session from a mobile sunbed company called ‘You’ve Bin Tangoed’ If you have always wanted that Des O’Connor or David Dickinson look – here’s your chance! (please note; all ladies are required to sign a waiver before this seminar)
5.00pm: There will be an audience participation presentation on ‘How To Spot A Liar’. Attendees are asked to go the Hall of Mirrors Suite.
6.00pm: Closing speeches. Rounding up of goats. Washing up for the ladies.
Nurse will undo straightjackets and hand out bonus pills as attendees leave.
Tickets are priced at £500 per attendee + VAT (price includes free 60 Reasons leaflet)
Transport to venue: Many of our ladies are quite willing to pick up strange men from airports/train stations/ bus stations/petrol stations.
I think you’ll agree this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and not to be missed!
I accept Paypal and cheques
Places are offered on a first come, first serve basis.







